Can you love an abusive man

I'd been a mascara junkie since my adolescence, but every time I wore mascara, my partner would throw a paranoid fit that I was wearing it to attract other men. Eventually, I just gave up mascara completely. Rowling once said, "Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Then one day I vowed to start taking care of my body again and committed to shedding the excess weight I'd gained from comfort-eating. I stopped wearing my uniform of sweatpants and a T-shirt and instead wore dresses, perfume, and mascara again.

Bit by bit, I took hold of my life, and it beamed back at me. Having reclaimed my beauty, I no longer cared what he said to put me down. These days, I tell my clients to never underestimate the power of self-love and feeling beautiful—whatever that means to you.

Every derogatory word an abusive partner utters to break your spirit will bounce off and boomerang back at them because you are strong in who you are—a beautiful soul, inside and out. We did our usual post-Christmas shopping, and he suggested a certain ornament.

Without thinking, I said, "We won't be together next Christmas. You see, I'd just made a Freudian slip, where something I'd been trying to run away from popped out of my subconscious. I'd been wanting to leave him for some time but never made any concrete plans because I felt guilty for "abandoning" him. My clients have told me how they'd unconsciously done similar things—for instance, packing their ornaments and decorations separately—without having consciously decided to leave.

On some level, they knew that'd be their last Christmas together. Over the years, I made so many compromises. I knew I couldn't marry him, have children with him, or own a house with him.

So I started telling people I wasn't interested in those things, hoping I'd convince myself, too. Three months before I left, my vision of the future changed. In it were a loving, stable relationship and a home. Not seeing him in my future plans gave me a sense of peace. It affirmed to me that I was ready for a life without him.

Pay attention to your hopes and dreams. Invest your energy in them, and breathe life into them. And notice when your abuser starts to feature less and less in them. Doing this took my self-assuredness to a new level, and I was able to confront the reality of what he had been doing to me. For a long time, I let myself believe that he couldn't help himself, so I didn't label his behavior as "abusive" or see him as an abuser. Like most people, I'd always told myself I would never stay with someone who abuses me.

But the truth was, when I found myself in that situation, I stayed—because I loved him, because I believed that he'd been hurt, and because I naively thought that love could win it all, the way he promised me. I'd been beaten down by years of insidious abuse and incessant guilt trips, and, on some level, I didn't believe I deserved better. It took me a long time to blow past the smoke and smash the mirrors he'd cleverly put up. Once I was able to imagine my life without him, I was able to acknowledge the truth.

He didn't abuse me because of his past, because of his substance problem, or because of the toxic people around him. He did it because it gratified him. And that empowered me to leave in a more profound way than anything had before. Matrimonial consultant Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart characterizes disengagement from an abuser as the moment when an abuse sufferer "starts to change from thought to action.

You eventually start to get the abuse on record. I remember trembling as I made trips to see my minister of Parliament, the local domestic violence charity, and my physician. Even though I felt guilty for taking measures against his treatment of me, I continued to take tangible steps toward independence. It is not your responsibility to protect your abuser. Licensed psychotherapist Terri Cole, LCSW , has noted that when her clients are ready to leave abusive relationships, they often seek legal counsel to help them navigate the ending of a marriage, division of property, or custody battles.

For a long while, the prospect of telling my parents and friends back home the truth—that I'd screwed up royally and chosen a wolf in sheep's clothing—tore me apart. What would they think?

But as I was preparing to leave, I met with three different sets of friends whom I hadn't seen for some time. They asked me, "How are things with your partner? It took courage to say it—I'd never said it to them before—but I replied, "He's abusing me, and I've been planning my departure.

Instead, they offered me spare beds, helpful contacts, and emotional support. Select personalised content. Create a personalised content profile. Measure ad performance. Select basic ads. Create a personalised ads profile. Select personalised ads. Apply market research to generate audience insights.

Measure content performance. Develop and improve products. List of Partners vendors. Abuse of any kind is complicated, and it can be difficult to identify. This is especially true for emotional abuse: With physical abuse, there is often tangible evidence of violence, but emotionally-abusive relationships can involve sophisticated—and toxic—mind games. As a result, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. To help victims and their loved ones understand the signs, we spoke with Kelly McNelis, founder of Women for One, and Dr.

Meet the Expert. Read on to learn about the warning signs of emotional abuse, and the experts' advice for navigating these relationships. If you've ever experienced unpredictable displays of affection, you may have felt the effects of emotional abuse even without knowing it. Sometimes, it's difficult to tell whether you're having normal relationship problems or being manipulated. Many victims of abuse discover the harmful effects over time. After all, if abusers acted this way from the start, how would they develop relationships to begin with?

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